Archive for Recovering From Divorce
How Come We Overlook The Obvious In Bad Relationships
Whether we ended the relationship ourselves or it was ended for us often we ask “why did I not see this?” Then we find out that our friends may have been trying to tell us all along (or least dropping hints) on how bad this relationship was or how it was going to turn out. Following are some insights as to what may have been happening to cause you to ignore your warning signs that things wern’t quite right.
One of the first things that happens when you meet someone is to not judge their character flaws. We know the flaws within our own selves and do not want them to be judged so why judge theirs? It’s this basic human courtesy that gets us into trouble when looking for our soul mate. Not judging other individuals who at best may be acquaintances is fine. Being more critical of a potential mate is not.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the search for someone that when we meet a person that “somewhat” matches our desires that we get excited and forget all else. We are so relieved that the search is over that we aren’t willing to take an honest look at them and our true desires.
Are we really honest with ourselves? Often times we are so wanting to be in a relationship that we short change ourselves. We will sit there and convince ourselves that our issues with our lover aren’t important while deep inside we know that the opposite is true. Part of this comes back to fear but part is also that we are not willing to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs. We want to be in a relationship so badly sometimes that we abandon and forget who we are just to protect the relationship.
The biggest contributor to overlooking the warning signs of a bad relationship is fear. We fear being alone, we fear not being able to provide solely for ourselves , and we fear that we won’t find anyone else to love us. Once again our basic human emotions are trying to protect us yet they can lead us into a living hell if we are not paying attention and are not strong enough to overcome them. Dr. Susan Jeffers best selling title says it all : “Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway”. In other words respect the fear, but get past it.
Playing off of fear we do things to protect the relationship. Sometimes we will downplay things that don’t sit well with us. We want things to be right and happy in our relationships that we are willing to make excuses or worse rationalize bad or destructive behavior.
Sometimes we aren’t willing to admit to ourselves that we made a mistake. We feel that we’ll be embarrassed by admitting to it. We protect our pride yet overlook our happiness for the sake of that pride.
And yet occasionally we are so caught up in emotion that we can’t see the forest for the trees. Everything is wine and roses and we couldn’t be happier and isn’t it all great and grand? Yet we are so busy “being” happy that we don’t take the time to look just a little deeper into our love’s past or actions and once the new wears off we end up asking “why didn’t I see this?”
Stop Your Divorce By Taking Action Today
If you find your marriage seems to be coming to an end and you’re saying to yourself please make this stop be aware that you are not alone. There are many who are going through your same situation. Here are some things to consider to help stop a divorce or to steer away from heading that direction.
One of the first things that you must consider is that you might not be able to save your relationship. This isn’t being pessimistic but being more realistic as to an outcome that you may not be able to control. Don’t dwell on this becoming a reality but do keep it in the back of your mind that it could happen.
Family therapists and marriage counselors have been trained to help people to get through tough times and try to get relationships back on track. They have been trained to help couples deal with infidelity, depression, abuse, addictions, and many other reasons that cause tension, angst, and divorce. Many if not most to charge a fee but there are plenty out there that will charge a reduced fee or even free if your finances are restricted.
Marriage counselors are great in helping you understand how to communicate better with your spouse. It works best when both parties are trying to stop the divorce and improve the relationship. Arguing and defending yourself (or some may call it reasoning) is one way to create strife and breakdown the communication in your relationship. Basically this is trying to make the other feel differently than they already do.
The best way to deal with arguing is to find the truth in their side of the argument. The more you can find to agree with honestly and sincerely the more they will see that you are trying to be open and listening.
These are only a couple of many steps you can take to help stop your divorce. Being willing to listen and to taking action such as seeking therapy or other help are positive steps in the right direction. But remember the less you try or the longer that you delay taking action the more likely your marriage will end in divorce.
First Steps To Recovering Broken Trust
And Avoiding Divorce
Divorce isn’t necessarily a sure thing, but it does take some work to and action on your part to keep it from happening. This is especially true when you are the one who broke the trust you once had.
If you are the instigator of the situation the first thing to not do is to claim that you’ll change or make everything right. Unfortunately you cannot change time and correct things. Face facts and realize you can only go on from here and not change the past.
The next step is to take responsibility for your actions. Accepting fault is one the biggest steps you can take to help stop failure in the relationship. Also don’t try to justify the betrayal of your spouses’ trust. This will only cause more frustration and possible further break down of an already faltering situation.
Your actions will speak volumes about how serious and sincere you are about getting the trust back in your relationship. Don’t make your mistake again and don’t do anything that would make them question your motives.
Depending on your spouse and the severity of the trust breaking action it may take a very long time to recover. Bottom line, don’t get angry and don’t argue about it. Just accept and acknowledge that you were the one who messed up.
Healing broken trust can be a very rugged road. Depression, frustration, and arguing are many times part of the recovery process. You may need assistance whether in the form of professional help, assistance from your church, or perhaps even a helpful guide. Click the following link to learn more about a helpful guide to help reconcile your marriage.